abide in me

So I have something to get off my chest. And maybe I'm overreacting and it's not a big deal. But it feels like a big deal. And I think it's important to let the big things trapped in your heart out so they can breathe and live in your reality. 

Alright, here it is...

I've been in a funk lately. Wait, what? That's it?

Okay, let me elaborate. You know how sometimes when you start getting into the rhythm of your life, and then all of a sudden you're like wait what? What am I doing with my life?! And by the time you get to this realization, you've already lost yourself. Well, that was me for the last three weeks. 

Sometimes when I get these real big realizations, I get emotional. I cry. I don't want to talk to people. I hide in my bed when no one's home, and then wake up the next morning and pretend that I'm okay again. But if all you do is get emotional and then move on with your life, there's no room to think about your thoughts and why you feel the way you do. I like to refer to this idea as marinating. Huh? Like the meat? Yes. Yes, absolutely. Sometimes you just need to let your emotions and thoughts marinate for a few days, so you can actually understand the root of your emotions and work things out with yourself once you're ready. Marinate. 

Two nights ago, I was sitting in church trying to worship our Creator and pretend like I had it all together just like the other people around me. But the thing is, I don't have it all together. Sometimes I come to church and I sing these worship songs, but it's just that. Songs. Lyrics that you follow along to. There was no conviction in my heart that I was singing to God and praising Jesus for saving sinners like me. 

I was telling God Look, I'm at church. I'm trying, God. 

But God was saying Are you really trying? Why are you here? For me or for the people around you? 

But isn't it okay to mess up because You'll forgive me? That's okay, right?

No, it's not okay. Remember that I'm the vinedresser? That I take away every branch that does not bear fruit? 

Abide in me. 

And then all of a sudden it hit me. The Gospel. And I'm not talking about the Gospel that saves sinners when you confess to God that you believe in Him. I'm talking about THE GOSPEL. The Gospel that brought Jesus into human form to live a perfect life on this Earth, and then took that same Jesus on the cross to die an undeserving death so that we might be free. The Gospel that sets your heart on fire and makes you realize that Christians are just sinners badly in need of grace.

I had forgotten that simple truth. The truth that had brought me to Christ in the first place. So far down the wrong road I had walked on these past few weeks.

But if I hadn't allowed my emotions and thoughts to marinate, to put a pause on life to deal with some real heart problems, then I wouldn't be where I'm at today. See, it wasn't me fixing me anymore. It was God fixing me. It was God speaking to me the things I tried to block out for so long. 

So why am I sharing something so personal for the whole world to see? Because it's real. It's life. And my life isn't perfect. In fact, it's far from perfect. Like, I'm a mess all. the. time. And I think it's important for other people to realize that too. That it's okay to talk about your sins and screw ups, to reveal to other people that, even as a Christian, you don't have it all together. 

We are sinners. And we need grace.